Orphan
by From Her Ashes
Summary: Squall notices. Laguna forgets. LagunaSquall, PG13, spoilers and a warning that's a spoiler.


**Orphan**

FF8, Laguna/Squall, PG-13, massive chunks of angst

Warning: Despite the rating, just in case you've never played FF8 and are reading this anyway, this is **incest-fic**.

_Author's Note: It has always been a theory of mine, correct or not, that people in the FF8 world take the surnames of their mothers. Every person we meet in the game who we know the last name of their parents go by their mother (or presumed mother's) last name. I've always thought this, and the influence of that can be seen here, so I wanted you to know about it. I also apologise for the odd formatting. As soon as I figure out how to fix it, I will. _

Even though he really didn't like attention like this, Squall had to admit that he was actually having a bit of fun. Rinoa on one arm, glass of champagne in the other hand, the party tonight was for him, really. The others had been there, helped, and he never would have made it through without them, but his miraculous appearance in the fields after everyone had thought he was dead had focused the attention on him, and on his beautiful sorceress girlfriend. None of the others seemed to mind, stealing the attention back from the onlookers when they felt they needed to-- Selphie with her antics, Irvine telling stories to one too many of the pretty girls around and Zell stuffing as many hot dogs into his mouth as he possibly could. And Squall definitely didn't mind sharing the attention with them, for once in his life enjoying a moment of quiet peace with himself. He'd always wanted the admiration of others, some kind of recognition, but never felt like he deserved it. For once in his life, he did feel like he deserved it, though, and it made him feel peaceful and relaxed.

He'd even smiled for Rinoa earlier, an actual, real smile that had put her in giggles and made her twirl into his arms for a kiss, which probably would have become a bit more if Selphie hadn't finally found them out on the balcony at just that moment. He wasn't really embarrassed about being caught kissing out there, but he wasn't about to put on a show, either, even though she swore her batteries were out. So they'd rejoined the party, and that's when their strange companions in all of this had arrived. Kiros and Ward looked about how they always did-- though they'd made some concessions to it being a fancy party, it was obvious that they were only there because of the man walking in between them. When the President wanted to go somewhere, he got to go somewhere, and when he went somewhere, they went with him. And apparently, the President wanted to show up at Squall's welcome home party at the Garden. In a suit of all things. Squall didn't even know the man knew what a suit was, much less how to wear one, but the effect it had on him was interesting.

He'd never been sure what he'd always been the one "lucky" enough to get stuck being Laguna in all those bizarre flashbacks. He'd always wished he'd ended up as Kiros instead. Although the man was scary-thin, he had a calmness about him that Squall only wished he could imitate. When he tried to be calm, he came out cool, but there was something warm about Kiros' calm, and he admired that. There was little to admire in Laguna, though. He was amazed the man could tie his own shoelaces on correctly, much less be President of an entire nation. He had to admit, once he finally got to meet him in person, that there was something a bit compelling about him, just because he was so hopeless, you wanted to help him, but he wasn't sure that was a good thing. He didn't understand why Selphie thought he was cute, or why Rinoa always blushed a little when she talked to him. But watching him walk in, half slip on a few errant streamers and almost fall, genuine laughter at himself catching the attention of about 3/4ths of the room, Squall had to admit that there was something in the man that did command attention of a sort.

It wasn't really the suit that made him see it, but the suit highlighted it, the traditional look for the powerful, well-to-do man looking both oddly right and totally ridiculous on Laguna. For all his bumbling shyness, the man had a personal charisma that Squall was only just now realizing he envied. Laguna wasn't a man who faded into the background, or needed a talkative, outgoing girl on his arm to make people really see him. He was just himself and people either liked him or didn't. And because he genuinely cared about the people around him, people liked him, and gravitated towards him. After a moment, Squall realized that that included him as well. It felt strange to be talking to someone without Rinoa on his arm, but it would be even stranger if he didn't go to greet both the President and one of his companions, and Rinoa was talking to some SeeD girl excitedly, and he didn't want to interrupt.

"Laguna. I'm pleased you could make it," Squall held out a hand, and got pulled in for a warm hug instead.

"Of course I could make it! In a way, it's really a party for all of us, and even if it wasn't, you deserve a little celebration!" Laguna grinned broadly, then looked a little sheepish, "Um... though if you wouldn't mind pointing me to the food...? Everything's so busy in Esthar that I didn't really get a chance to eat before I left." Squall had to smile a little bit at that, even if it was only the barest quirk of his lips,

"It's over there, but you might want to hurry before Dincht eats it all." Laguna's eyes got wide and he grinned even more widely, his tone shocked,

"Squall... did you just tell a joke? The champagne at Balamb Garden must be stronger than anything I've had recently!" Squall scowled,

"...Whatever..."

- - -

By the time most of the guests had gone home, the buzz from the champagne had worn off and Squall was just plain tired. He'd never realized how absolutely exhausting it was to have to deal with so many people and he was sincerely hoping that tomorrow, he could go back to not having people want to talk to him all the time. He just wanted to go to his room and be alone for a little while, a sentiment that apparently Rinoa picked up on, for once, thank goodness. She'd kept him from leaving all night, even though he'd wanted to go much earlier, but when he expressed his desire to just go back to his room and fall asleep, she didn't badger him about being company. She just said that she'd stay and chat with the few remaining guests and he should go on. She seemed proud of him for being even as outgoing as he had been, and for some reason, both her pride and her letting him go made him feel more warm inside than the kiss on the balcony had.

There was still one thing he had to take care of before he went to bed, however, and it was currently rather drunk and still wearing most of the suit it had walked in the door with, though the jacket had ended up someplace or another early on in the evening. He couldn't leave the party and leave the President of Esthar drunk in a chair. The party might have been for him, and the war might have been over, but he was still a SeeD commander, and it would have been outright disgraceful for him to leave him like this. Not that Laguna seemed to be in any hurry to go. He was comfortably ensconced in a chair with a glass of champagne and three pretty cadets to talk to, though even as Squall was coming over, two of the cadets were saying their goodnights. The third seemed to think that being around the President and someone notorious for his coldness towards people while alone was not a good idea, and made her goodnights as well. Laguna turned a reproving sort of glare at Squall, but it lacked any real venom,

"You scared them away." Squall watched the girls leaving for a moment, then arched an eyebrow,

"They're young enough to be your daughters," he hadn't thought that he'd said that in a particularly harsh manner, but he seemed to hit a nerve in Laguna, because the older man winced a little.

"Yeah... I know. Can't blame a man for dreaming a bit, though, can you? Besides, it was just talking," Laguna still looked a little sheepish though. He took a final sip of his champagne, sighed a soft getting-ready-to-head-to-bed sigh, and stood up out of the chair, only to blink in surprise and keel to the right sharply. Squall managed to mostly catch him and get him standing upright again, but it took a little effort,

"You're drunk," he said simply.

"I am not drunk!" Laguna protested, but also failed to do much more to prove it than lean on Squall heavily.

"... Alright, I'm a little drunk."

"... Just a little, I promise, I'll be fine. No problem."

"Do you even remember where your rooms are?"

"That's what I thought. Come on." Squall looped one of Laguna's arms around his shoulder and headed for the door. "I have to take the drunken moron to his room," he explained as he passed Rinoa, who just giggled slightly and waved, mostly still talking to a group of her new friends.

"Hey, that's President drunken moron to you!" Laguna protested with a grin as he was led away. Squall just rolled his eyes as they headed out into the corridor. "You know, you really need to work on that attitude of yours, or one day, you're gonna lose your girl to a guy who talks." It was meant to be a joke, and Squall knew it was meant to be a joke, but he was tired and had several glasses of champagne still wearing off of him, and the comment struck just a little too close to the bone. He didn't really deserve someone like Rinoa...

"What? Like you?" he tried to keep the bitterness from his voice, but it was hard. Laguna was exactly the kind of man who deserved Rinoa's type of kindness and energy, not him. Laguna missed the change in tone completely,

"Heh, yeah, maybe me," he joked back. Except that Squall wasn't joking anymore. The further they got down the hallway to the lift, the angrier he got, stress from the evening finally snapping him a bit.

"You can't even put your shirt on right side out."

"I can too!" it would have been a lot more convincing of an argument if he didn't have to check first to make sure his shirt was, in fact, right side out. On a normal night, Squall would have probably let it go at that, heard the laugh in Laguna's voice and remembered that the man was just fooling around and certainly hadn't meant to actually hurt him. But his head was starting to pound and he really, really wished Seifer were here just so he'd have someone to yell at, because yelling at Laguna would be like kicking a puppy. Only crueler. But snide comments he could do,

"It's an expression. You're a complete moron," Squall snapped.

"I think you're just jealous because all of your girl friends treat you like a commander and they blush at me," Laguna actually rose to the bait of the argument, finally. Maybe Squall had struck home as well.

"I am their commander!" It was about then that they stopped at the lift, voices rising slightly as Laguna really started to open up.

"What was it they called you? The Lone Wolf?"

"I'd rather be thought of as a loner than as an idiot!"  
"Well, maybe that's your problem then!"

"My problem is that I don't see what any girl would see in a man who's barely got it together enough to tie his own shoes! You're a total--urf!" Squall slammed against the wall hard enough to knock the air out of his lungs for a moment, Laguna's hands hard around his upper arms. He was sure Laguna was actually going to fight him, and he was already preparing an attack to free himself when Laguna's lips covered his, swift, but warm, and he completely forgot whatever it was he was going to do.

Well. Alright then.

Having Laguna kiss him in the hall was definitely not on his list of things to do with the evening, for too many reasons to list, not the least of which being that he wasn't interested in men and he didn't like Laguna even if he was. Which is why he was going to move his arms up and shove Laguna as hard as he could away, and then leave him to fend for himself. The bastard could find his own way back to his room if he wanted to be like this! Squall got about as far as raising his arms when Laguna moved his head slightly and the kiss suddenly went from a rushed, argumentative thing in the hall to something slick and deep, and the feeling of Laguna's tongue against his own lit up every single nerve in his body, which was doubly shocking because Squall really couldn't even remember opening his mouth.

Everything about Laguna was warm, both in temperature and substance. His hands had softened on Squall's arms almost immediately, and just as quickly, he'd closed the rest of the distance between them, pressing Squall up against the wall. He should have felt trapped or something, but instead, he just felt oddly secure, the wall solid and a little cool behind him, and Laguna solid and warm against his front. Laguna kissed like he lived-- open and accepting of everything, and even though Squall put up a token resistance in his mind, he couldn't fight against that. When he'd lost Ellone, he'd lost more than a big sister or a protector-- he'd lost someone who really saw who he was and loved him anyway. And even though he pushed people away to protect himself from ever feeling that loss again, in a lot of ways all he really wanted was someone who would see through all that to who he really was, and love him anyway. Or at least approve of him. Kissing him in a hallway had never been part of his abandonment issue fantasies, however. But everything else fit so ridiculously perfectly that he found he really couldn't mind much.

He was leaning into the kiss before he could think twice about it, in fact, tongue sliding back against Laguna's, melting into the kiss, into him, and he was helpless to stop a low, growling sort of moan when that made Laguna make a little pleased noise and deepen the kiss more. Laguna brought a hand up to lay flush against Squall's face, tipping him further into the kiss, like he could drink him down like water if he found the right angle. And maybe he could. Squall could feel himself slipping inside, all the little things that keep human beings from really touching one another suddenly losing ground. And then the kiss was desperate, Squall could feel himself coming undone, and Laguna was just pushing him more against the wall, a knee between his legs and before he could think he pushed back away from the wall, just enough to rub himself against the top part of Laguna's leg. Squall had to break the kiss to gasp for air, then, and Laguna's mouth seemed to almost naturally fall against his neck, leaving hot, open-mouthed kisses against it. Laguna's movements seemed a little desperate suddenly as well, pressing back against him, a soft moan captured in Squall's neck at the friction and Squall suddenly wondered how long it had been for Laguna. Had he slept with anyone since that girl had died? Had he even had someone to warm his bed at night? Surely he had with all the girls that gravitated towards him-- but something about the air as he moved suggested otherwise. Or maybe it was just an extension of how he could make other people feel special, just by being around them.

Laguna pulled back just a little, and the way his eyes shone and the way he opened his mouth suggested that he was about to make a comment about how that was why women would have anything to do with him, and Squall was afraid that since his body was currently trying to run down the wall, he would have to agree with him. And maybe that would have been it, or maybe Squall would have more than conceded the point, kissed back and dragged him to a corner someplace, because even though he wasn't going to be looking at Zell's ass the next time they were at the practice room's showers together or anything, he'd find it far too easy to just drown himself in Laguna's openness and acceptance. But whatever smartass comment Laguna was about to make died in his throat when he looked at Squall, and he caught his breath instead.

Squall wondered what it was that Laguna was seeing in his face that caused that expression, because whatever it was, he wanted it in a bottle so he could put it on whenever he wanted. He'd thought that Laguna's kiss had been the most absolute form of acceptance he was ever going to feel, but that was nothing compared to this. There was that same acceptance in Laguna's face, but it went beyond that to a kind of admiration that bordered on wonder, like the world had given him the most amazing present in the world, to the point where he couldn't even take the magnitude of it in all at once. Laguna ran a thumb so gently across Squall's lips that it almost wasn't there at all, and if Squall wasn't sure he was going to drag him away to a dark corner before, he was absolutely sure of it now. Everything he'd been alternately searching for and denying-- peace, acceptance, pride, home, was right there in Laguna's eyes.  
"Leonheart..." he said softly, and even his voice seemed laced with wonder and devotion. And it was a little strange for him to be calling him by his last name, but it seemed absolutely right at the same time, and Squall was already answering the call and leaning back in to kiss him again when everything changed.

He was too close to really see Laguna's eyes widen, but Squall could feel him suddenly withdrawing mentally for a moment before he pushed himself away hard enough to send him stumbling backwards, almost landing on the ground. After the warmth, the cold of the hallway was a shock, even more so because Squall had no idea what had brought this on. Laguna just stood there, a few feet away, shaking a little, and looking at him with wide eyes. Squall would have been really insulted if Laguna's panic was of the "oh shit I just kissed a guy" variety, considering Laguna started it, but he would have preferred that to this. Laguna didn't look like someone questioning their sexuality-- he looked like someone who was standing over a body with blood on their hands, but no memory of how they got there. He looked absolutely horrified, and crushingly guilty.

"I... I'm sorry... I'm so sorry... I'm so..." he backed away from Squall slowly towards the lift, which Squall dimly processed had been standing open for a few minutes now, waiting for them, as though he were afraid Squall might come after him and tear his throat out, hands open and wide from his body. Squall just blinked at him for a moment then kind of shook his head, trying to get his brain to catch up with events.

"It's alright, you don't really have to be sorry," more than that, at this point he really wished he'd come back and finish what he fucking started, but even as low in people skills as Squall was, he could tell that wasn't at all the right thing to say. Laguna didn't answer, just shook his head violently, shuddered and punched the button on the lift as fast as he could, continuing to punch it even when the doors slowly started to close, "Hey! Hey, wait!" Squall stumbled away from the wall and headed for the lift, but he could tell already he was too slow,

"Raine... I'm sorry..." Squall was pretty sure Laguna didn't mean for him to hear that, just before he hit the closed doors of the lift, but he was puzzled as to why he would say it. Was he really carrying a torch for this dead woman after all these years? His real love had been Rinoa's mom, right? And his love for her hadn't prevented him from seeing Raine. The self-disgust coming off of Laguna had been palpable. Squall turned from the lift and headed back to his quarters. Well, he wasn't ashamed of it. If Laguna wanted to get all strange about one kiss in a hallway when they were both at least a little drunk, that was his right, he supposed. Running after him wouldn't help, better to pretend that nothing had happened, and move on with things.

Even as he was telling himself that, though, he could feel the ghost of Laguna's lips on his, the warmth and kindness of him lingering against his skin. He'd had a taste of something he'd been wanting since he was a child-- someone who'd care, and accept and love him no matter what.

It hurt more to know Laguna thought it was a mistake than to have never known it at all.

- - -

"Hey Laguna?"

"... Squall I..."

"It's not about that, don't worry."

"I've been thinking about it for a few weeks now. What was it you wanted to tell me on the airship, before the final battle?"

"Oh, I was going to tell you... tell you... um... you know, I've forgotten. It must not have been that important after all."

"Okay... whatever..."


End file.
